Paati - I will miss you always...

There is always something quite unsettling about a death in the family. And under normal conditions, I wouldn't really blog about it. But for some strange reason, I have this urge to pen down things... I really hope no one is offended by the post - especially my family... It's hard to explain why I am doing what I am doing... maybe a tribute to my last and most loved grandparent...

My grandma was almost 90 yrs of age. And she has been quite unwell for the last 2 months or so... And worse off for the last 2 weeks... My mom and her sister were there with granny trying to take care of her... trying not to get scared by her cries of pain... trying to maintain decorum... trying to maintain normality... ofcourse, things are never that easy... On Tuesday morning, my granny had her last sip of milk and by around 11am heaved her last breath... When my mom called me around 1pm, I instinctively knew something was amiss... I don't get calls from her number and that too never in the mornings... I heard her hello... And I knew... before she could say anything... yet she took the trouble to word it out... and I could feel her pain and loss in her voice... those few words in between her sobs... I wanted to be there to comfort her... to let her know I am there... so it's okay... She tried to dissuade me to come... saying it would be a strain to come 11 hours and then return quickly... I didn't oppose her... but I knew I had to go... I heard that my uncle from Hosur was leaving by a train that evening... I decided to join him... And then I remembered my brother... I tried reaching him but his phone was busy... called my dad... told him I am coming... he too said it wasn't really necessary... by then my brother called... he said he is going... I said I will come too... We decided instantly, I came back to my cubicle and booked forward and return tickets on Tatkal...

All this time, P was sitting beside me... He didn't utter a word... But I knew he understood... and I knew he was sorry for what happened... that's the best thing about him... he doesn't really have to say much (even though there are times I wish he would)... I had had a late breakfast and wasn't really hungry for lunch... but bro had asked me to have something and come... Work was going on and I asked P to continue work and that I would go for lunch and leave... A & C joined me... That's one thing about A... She does the most thoughtful of things at the least expected of times... the reason why I oversee the other times that she doesn't... And C... was just plain surprising... I didn't expect she would come along to cheer me up... Especially since both weren't really hungry and were just coming for my company... found cafeteria too crowded, got burger from burger-man... was forced to eat it by A who got juice and a choc... Met L on the way who also tried to cheer me up... told abt his good news... finished the lunch half halfheartedly... left and reached home... packed stuff and boarded train at Majestic by 7pm...


Had some food from the pantry... seemed like any normal train journey... except for the look in our eyes... met uncle and aunty at Hosur station... discussed on where to get down and whether to take a cab from Trichy or Tanjore... Called my dear old friend N and confirmed that we could get a cab at Trichy early in the morning... ended up deciding to get down at Tanjore.. got down at about 5am, got a cab and reached Thiruvarur by 6.40am... 


I could see a lot of ppl sitting at the entrance... entering the hall, we found the lifeless form of my granny on the floor on one side.. most of relatives sitting near the feet and the other side... all of them teary eyed... my mom was sitting there too... her eyes red and puffy... it was evident she had been crying a lot... I looked at grandma's body lying there... it was hard to imagine that just a few months back, this shrunk, almost hollow form was the very lively granny who used to pamper us with food and tell us stories... I just went and sat next to my mom... my bro came and tried to console her... she started crying and telling how it all happened... I was just sitting there... mind numb... half listening, half lost... Everything felt surreal... And tears just started to well up my eyes... Of all my grandparents, granny was someone I was more attached to.. but I never imagined I would cry... I do consider myself emotional but death of someone close was never really something that I had gone thru before... Not after I came to an age where I would actually understand these things... Sure there was the death of a friend's father for whom I had donated blood... and even the death of a dear friend.. I felt remorse... but still, I knew very less of both of them to actually feel a loss...


I just cried silently then... and put my head on my mom's lap... and I just kept crying... heard other relatives, friends and neighbors coming in... ppl trying to be normal in their conversations.. an aunt introducing her new daughter-in-law... another person asking where my other aunt is currently living.. cousins of mom meeting after a very long time... somehow none of that registered.. the topics seemed pointless in that situation.. as if someone could actually have a normal conversation with a corpse at your feet... pointless conversations filled with meaningless words and hollow sentences amidst the presence of a lifeless body - aged and withered...


And then ppl started talking abt my granny.. how she would never say no to anyone.. how she always served everyone selflessly - from grandpa who in his last decade lost his leg to Diabetes and was bed ridden to even complete strangers who would pass by the house asking for something to eat... her virtues were being lauded.. but one thing that came up quite often was how she never let anyone go empty stomach.. be it some guest who came in the middle of the night. some tired worker passing by, a starved beggar or just us kids who had come for vacation.. Granny was always there trying to cook up something for us.. all of us...


I still remember the times when I would come to Granny's place and the first thing she would ask is what I wanted to eat.. no, I don't just mean lunch or dinner.. I mean sweets, snacks etc... jhangari.. somasi... paal goa... mixture... thenkozhal.. murukku... seedai... and what not... and for no special occasion..  just coz I had come... never really understood how much I would miss those.. being treated special... given special food... taking extra care that I don't lift a finger.. all this at her age...


That was the thing with granny... even when she was sick.. or having a fever or was ill enough that someone had to cook for her... when any of her grandchildren came (especially the little ones) you should see the energy with which she gets up, cooks for them and does the household chores... a transformation in a matter of secs... you would actually wonder whether she was faking illness... but thats how she was.. and she would put herself through all that just to see the satisfied looks on our faces when we we would stuff ourselves greedily... I really wonder how many times we actually appreciated her.. or even let her know how good the snacks were... but she continued to do it... every single time.. as if it was her duty...


To come to think of it, she really did think of feeding ppl as her duty.. I deliberately mentioned ppl coz it was not just family.. she would argue with coconut vendors to decrease the price by a rupee.. and later listen to his family story and pay him more money and give him food.. she would say that was to help that poor man.. that was something that happened quite often... haggling over the price from some street hawker and then giving him separately more money than asked, out of pity... no matter what others told her.. she wouldn't change that habit of hers.. we would point out that she could just buy things at the price that he asks... and she would say that the thing was not worth that much and so she had to haggle...


But it was this soft heartedness along with her sheer will power and steel nerves that I always admired in her... I still remember a story told by my mom about the time granny came to Bhubaneshwar where my parents were staying when I was still too little.. neither of my parents knew the language well and were getting by with broken hindi.. vegetable shopping was something that was always a complex task... but it seems my granny just went to the market alone, pointed at vegetables and paid what she felt was the right amount and just walked back home.. Ofcourse, mom keeps saying that she got away coz of her age.. but gotta hand it to her for her courage... all this in a city that she earlier never knew existed and without knowing anything about the place or language...


By around 10.30am, the shaastrigal came to perform the final rites... mantras were read... holy water was poured and it was time to take the corpse for cremation... by this time, the "bed" on which granny was to be carried was prepared... 4 ppl placed her on it... and four more lifted... dad had already told that I may have to pitch in in between... the cremation ground was around 2-3 kms from the home... and we took turns carrying... when we reached the cremation ground, some more mantras... a few more rites.. and then the undertaker was asked to cover the body with raatis (dried cow dung cakes).


They just went on with their work.. passively doing what they have always been doing... without the slightest hint of pain or a sense of foreboding... thats when I realized... it was grandma to me.. to them, it was just a bag of bones... something part of their work... nothing that they could connect to emotionally... and then I saw something really gruesome... they had to make sure the limbs do not outstretch while burning... so they just broke the arms and wrists backward and tucked them under the body... I almost shouted then.... half fearing that she would actually cry out in pain... but seeing the others just disregarding this activity, I managed to hold back my cry.. saw them cover the face.. and my uncle placed the burning log into the heap of dried cow dung cakes... and with it burned the body of my grandma... the person who was once warm hearted, eagerly helpful, strict in making sure we followed customs, always supporting our demands in front of parents, always making sure she made our favorites and always keeping herself busy like a bee even when she was sick... a very active person transformed into a lifeless form and finally into just ashes...


Ashes to ashes.. Dust to dust... its so simple to say that... but what remains is not just ashes and dust.. there is the hollowness within us... like a missing piece from a jigsaw puzzle... the sea of memories... the ocean of words left unsaid... deeds left undone... a lot of ifs and if onlys... and there is a finality.... the realization that nothing can be done.. nothing can be changed... and that life must move on for the rest of us...


Life - how that word suddenly means so much... till yest, life was the boring job, the tight schedules, the untimely food, the long travels, the missed events, the lost friends... life was something that was going on.. whether u liked it or not... but now... there was another aspect to it... you live ur life the way u want to and die... but has it made a difference? to you, maybe.. but then, after you are dead, it doesn't really matter how rich you were or how popular... its not just about ur life... its about how many lives you touch in your lifetime... that made me wonder.. if I die tomorrow, how many ppl would mourn? No, I don't mean show up for the cremation.. I mean, how many would actually miss me? how many would feel the loss? how many would thank God that at some point in time, I was part of their lives? that I made a difference and I would be remembered for that?


I really don't have an answer for that... but I understand that life is short - shorter than you expect and so u need to do all the things that you want to... but u also need to do things for others.. make their lives simpler, better or easier... in any small way possible.. coz in the end, u ll remember what u did wid ur life... but others would remember what u did wid theirs.. and somewhere, that is more important...