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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Life is a giant jigsaw puzzle...


... and I am missing most of the pieces..

That seemingly innocent, philosophical sounding comment, just manages to sum up my whole life in one sentence..

Off late, I have been "given" the opportunity to be on my own.. to think.. and to analyze.. and what I found, is as disturbing as it is profound - I have not had a life of major hurdles, though it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing either.. that I am not wilting away, but I am not growing either.. that I seem to have everything I need and yet there is this huge hole within.. Yes, I know I have talked about The Void before.. but for once, I seem to understand what is missing. or I think I do.. And for all the people who know me, no.. it's not a relationship that I am talking about.. that can wait.. things are far more grave..

Let me start off with a bit of background and where I believe the problem actually lies.. The problem is.. I don't have any problems.. at least nothing big enough to keep me worried or my mind occupied. I may not have the most love-showering family but they are the best in the world for what they are and what they have made me.. plus they are always there if I need them.. I may not have friends who would be there 100% of times when I need them, but they take good care of me and make me feel needed (which is what matters to me, in the end).. I may not have a very high paying job, but the pay isn't pathetic either.. I may not work on cutting edge technologies but it isn't mundane and boring either.. I may not have girlfriends but I have friends who don't let me feel I am missing an anchor.. I may not be the most loved person, but I am not hated by anyone either (atleast none that I know of).. To come to think of it, I am pretty known wherever I am.. And all of you would say "Congrats, You are officially nuts! Stop whining you lucky B******!!" Maybe I am nuts.. But give me a chance to explain...

If you notice, I seem to be living a life of mediocrity.. No, I don't mean my standard of living.. What I mean is.. I don't have any earth shattering lows.. but I don't have any spectacular highs either.. I have somehow managed to remain just above average.. nothing traumatic.. but nothing remarkable either.. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have been given the opportunity (in the forms of friends) to observe a wide variety of lives.. a lot of things that has happened to a lot of people.. a few good.. mostly bad.. and though I always feel bad that they are having to go through so much, I can't help but notice that I don't have anything like that.. I first noticed this in one of the many drink parties that I attended. When all my friends would drink and share their sob stories, I remember sitting and consoling them.. but deep down, it bugged me that I didn't have a story of my own.. The worst that has ever happened to me include paying for a management seat in 11th std., 2 backlogs in BE, two of my best friends no longer talking to me and at times, feeling like a complete stranger in my own group of friends.. And that's about it.. nothing that bad if you think about it (though the last two was pretty painful personally)..The more I write this, the more I feel I am making less and less sense.. So, let me try this way..

All the people that I know that have problems ranging from small & medium to large and even extra large, have something to fight for.. they know that whatever situation they are in, will improve once their problem is solved.. they have something to look forward to.. something good.. something positive.. the end of all their problems.. and that motivation makes them go through whatever they have.. It's what makes them get up in the morning and go through the day.. The hope that things will some day be better.. What I mean is, they have a purpose - a reason to live! And that is where it bugs me.. that I have reached my pinnacle.. There is nothing to look forward to.. There is nothing I can fix to make things better.. there is no purpose, no direction.. You may argue that all I need is a goal.. something at a level higher than mine.. and some motivation to reach that.. and then life would just be a cycle of setting goals to achieve and improving in the process.. easier said than done.. but then the question is, what should those goals be?

If goals are what I need, why am I bothered about not having problems, you ask? Coz, having a problem makes it easier.. I don't have to worry about what my goal should be, what needs to be done or whether it's the right thing to do.. maybe that's the wrong way to look at things.. And maybe I should be careful of what I ask for. But all my life, I have been doing things as they come my way. I agree that I have been good in what I do (touchwood), but then, there isn't something that I always wanted to do and never been able to do it.. with the exception of playing the guitar, it's not like I wanted to be a doctor and became an engineer.. It's not like I wanted to do MBA and ended up working.. It's not like I wanted to live a posh life and I am living a sub standard ones.. it's not like I wanted to live freely but I am tied down with responsibilities.. It's not like I wanted a girlfriend and never found one.. It's none of that.. I have all I need and I have never wanted something very badly.. In cases that I have, I have either got them or gotten over them easily.. it feels as if I had a bus pass and just took a random bus.. I have no idea where I am going.. there is no specific place that I want to go.. I don't how I am going to reach where ever it is that I am going.. and I don't know why I am in the bus that I am in... but just sitting in that random bus, not knowing anything is.. unnerving.. and feels surreal..

Sometimes, it just feels like a dream and my mind tells me, don't be bothered.. and at other times, I have this sudden urge to just get off the bus.. I don't where I ll get off.. or where I want to go.. or what I ll do next.. but I want to get off.. I don't regret anything that has happened to me.. but I am unsure of all the things that happened.. clueless about the things that are happening.. and completely uncertain of things that needs to happen..

I wish I knew where I wanted to go,
I wish I knew how I should grow,
I wish my life had a little more direction,
I wish I felt somewhere a connection..

If only I could find a reason to get up,
So I don't feel confused when I wake and sit up..
I wish I could find, all the missing pieces,
pieces of this jigsaw.. this jigsaw called life..


Oh well, I think I ll just go to a Swami and ask for the answer!



Er.. On second thoughts, maybe I should just Google it myself ...